Xmas school plays enacting the nativity this time of the year bring back memories of a case of childhood envy. When I was in grade school, I was always pissed that I was assigned roles in nativity plays that I did not like. Other kids would just be ecstatic to be given any part. Not me. I wanted to be the Blessed Mother wearing the blue veil pinned to her head and donning the flowing white robe. I instead was always assigned the role of one of the three kings since I was one of the taller girls in class though there were boys to choose from. Beautiful Vivian with her porcelain skin and demure beauty always got the part year after year.
I never quit this desire to be the Blessed Mother in a play or tableau. When I was in high school, Miss Gutierrez, my piano teacher, decided to hold her students' recital at her huge residence which also housed her music studio. For the theme of the recital she decided to have the rosary with each student being assigned a "bead" in it to play his or her piece. Well there had to be a Blessed Mother of course in the finale. She would be perched on a high mound outside the sprawling grounds that could be seen through the grilled windows in the studio. No I did not get the part that went to Offie with the aquiline nose and iridescent skin. Of course I was disappointed.
Since I was obsessed about this Blessed Virgin Mary stuff, I missed appreciating the fact I was assigned to play my recital piece in the finale. It was not because I was the best student. My piece which had a Carribean beat did not fit in any mystery of the rosary. I only realized being the finale was a big honor when Charito, a schoolmate, told somebody in school that I got this part and this person told me. In fact my sister Bebeng had to be appeased by being given another piece to be played together with me. I think she was acting up in the chorus. All the while I was the envy of every kid in the recital, I was jealous of Offie who my mother described as having a moon face anyway to make me feel better for not getting her part.
This episode in my childhood wanting something did not leave an impression on me that it can be toxic not only to me but to others close to me. One particular incident did. I remember a time when I was told by the girl behind the refreshment counter at a theatre that they did not have both the hot dog and blueberry slushy that I ordered. I saw at the corner of my eyes my two daughters, who were in grade school then, nervously holding their breaths. They were anxiously waiting if I would be throwing a hissy fit. I realized then my brattiness was affecting others not just me.
This bratty attitude had caused me two jobs since I was unhappy and miserable. Not only did I want things my way but right there and then. It was not so much wanting things or to quit wanting them as the poster above suggests but more not having the patience to wait that was causing my misery.
Nowadays I am happier since I have realized one fact. It, whatever it is that I want, might actually happen. Not that day but someday. Somehow having this spirit of hopefulness gives me peace despite disappointments. On that note on the occasion of her birthday. I wrote Vivian on her timeline in facebook about the Blessed Mother envy. Another classmate Danny commented we should have a reenactment of the nativity play on our next reunion and I might finally get my break. Oh Danny thanks. Dreams do come true. LOL.
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