"Everything happens for a reason." So most people think and what most people say to a person who is grieving over a loss of a loved one (through death or divorce) or a job or dealing with an incurable disease. Tim Laurence, a journalist and psychotherapist, forcefully thinks otherwise in his insightful article. Unfortunate events in life to him, do not have to be explained or rationalized.
He suggests that we refrain from saying this magic phrase "Everything happens for a reason." to console somebody who is hurting. I have talked about in a past blog post during one point in my life when I was dealing with cancer how a well meaning friend actually made me feel guilty rather than comforted when he said that perhaps I was dealt with this disease to be closer to God. I misconstrued what he said that I was too ambitious and the disease would make me get down on my knees and reform.
When my father was dying of liver cancer I remember my late mother being upset when she was told by my father's doctor in an attempt to console her, "He (my dying father) is pretty old and has lived a long life." I have heard this sentence being uttered by well meaning people to persons mourning the death of a loved one while visiting them in the funeral home.
Laurence suggests that sometimes a touch or just being there is enough. and how it is best to allow the person mourning to contend with his fragility and limitations of his being human. To offer the person space to mourn and to accept "somethings cannot be fixed and should only be carried."
In life letting it be is sometimes best. Perhaps that is what should be our attitude too for those in mourning as we helplessly watch them in pain.
Here are links to the past posts on The Small C.
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